June 12, 2014 – I want to text my rapist.

 

I want to text my rapist. I want him to know what he did. He bad mouthed me for so long, threatened to embarrass me, called me horrible things, and I never stood up to him. I never told him he was the disgusting one, not me.

He’s ruined my life since then. I’ve lived paranoid and afraid since that night. I have a fucking rape whistle on my keychain. I can’t walk alone at night. I can’t be alone period.  I can’t even drink without him creeping into my thoughts. Without feeling like it’s going to happen again. Without replaying it in my head. I can’t even remember most of it just the helplessness. Sometimes I’ll be sitting and I get this spine-chilling feeling like he’s there. Like I felt that night.

I know he will want to retaliate. He’ll probably text everyone about it, but at this point, I’m ready to deal with that. Nothing is worse than what I’ve already dealt with.

The sleeplessness

The not eating

The flashbacks

The triggers

The paranoia

The fear

The cutting

The helplessness

The anger

Nothing can be worse than all of that.

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3 thoughts on “June 12, 2014 – I want to text my rapist.

  1. Imani tm

    This is a really powerful post which I can empathise strongly with. Congratulations too for starting this blog. I promise I will support you all the way!! My favourite line is “I never told him he was the disgusting one, not me”. I relate to that so much. ps. I have another blog too relating to the book I’m writing about my experiences, if you like I can message you with the blog link? xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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