When you suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD… How do you know how much of what you feel is genuine or the disorder?
I’ve always thought of myself as a generally pessimistic person, but is that really who I am? Or have I carried around this sadness for so long that I can no longer distinguish it from the true me?
After my assault I became especially anxious and paranoid. To keep from going insane I had to create routines for myself. The routines calmed me and made me feel in control. My routines were planned to the minute and allowed me to avoid anyone and anything that might trigger an anxiety attack.
Yet, when my anxiety and paranoia ran rampant it felt like it was a part of me. A part of me that was never going to go away. I had told myself this was just the way things would always be.
Taking control of my anxiety and paranoia meant I isolated myself from others. I could not handle unexpected surprises and therefore by pushing everyone away I wouldn’t have to deal with how people would react to me or what they would say.
I tend to do that a lot.
Push others away as a way to cope.
In the moment, I rationalize it as them being insensitive or rude or whatever else I can come up with. But… I can’t help but feel that deep down I’m just being selfish and childish. How can I so easily close chapters in my life?
Again, I think to myself how much of those decisions were influenced by my disorders or if they were really justified…
How can I learn to trust my emotions without feeling like I’m letting my mental health problems rule my life?